Day 63: Writing, Mind Points & Self-Forgiveness - A New Approach to Blogging & Thinking About Work Tomorrow

I haven't posted here for a little while because I realize that I need to approach this blog differently than I have been. This blog needs to be that which it was initially described to be: A Journey to Life. And the Journey to Life is walked through one point/thought/emotion/reaction - and one breath - at a time. I haven't used this blog correctly - I have written from the starting point of wanting to make a point or share a realization when I realize now that I have said things and made blanket statements instead of really walking the detail of what needs to be clearly written out, forgiven, and corrected, and then to live these corrections. This is what the Journey to Life is about, and within walking and sharing this journey in detail is the best support I can give to myself and so will then be the best support for whoever reads it, because it is the real deal. So I'll start focusing on one point a day and move day by day, and my realizations will be within the actual self-forgiveness. Thanks.

I'll start with some writing I did a few days ago.


Thought:

"Damn, a long day at work tomorrow, I really don't want to go. <sigh> oh well what can I do about it, I just have to do it. What can I do? What a waste of time."

Emotions & Feelings:

Annoyance
Frustration
Slightly "Down"/depressed
Anger with work.
Feeling that my days are being wasted at work.


Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about work tomorrow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated with the amount of time work takes up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of work as being a burden that I have to put up with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about my time of my life and my days being used up at work, fearing that my life is being wasted and I can't get the time back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my time and fear losing my life to things like work within feeling that I should be doing something better with my time rather than being in a shop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dread going to work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for working in a shop and having to do this to make a living, within feeling that I should be at a point, by using more initiative, where what I do for a living is beneficial for life and making a difference in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be frustrated with work and the amount of time I spend there, basically doing the same things every day that works only for money's favour but is not at all beneficial for life - making me feel that I am wasting so much time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is a practical point in this system that I must do things to generate money to be able to live, and so in this respect having this job is very important.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel depressed, down and lethargic in facing the upcoming days of work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to work with energetic experiences such as depression, lethargy, and annoyance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to have reactions and energetic experiences to work such as depression, lethargy and annoyance, instead of living here in breath and simply moving and doing what I have to do throughout the day, without accepting and allowing such energetic reactions and experiences within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed with myself for not realizing this point earlier.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with work and to blame work for being something that I have to do to be able to live.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand for myself that this work - and generating an income in general - is an important and essential means of self-support in the system as it exists now, and that I am supporting and looking after myself by doing this, and it is thus necessary to do and to do it well in order to provide for myself all of the things I need to be able to live an optimum life. I have to do the best for myself and life given the circumstances in this world as it currently exists.


Self-Commitment

I commit myself to have being here in the breath being the foundation from where I live and move in my life, in the world, and in doing things that have to be done, such as work/generating an income - instead of moving from reactions and from irrational thoughts in my head that I have accepted and allowed thus far to be the starting point of living my life. I now see, realize and understand that this is not an effective way of living, and that I make things more difficult than they really are within living based on reactions and irrational thoughts, and commit myself to living within the flow of breath in simplicity.

I commit myself to seeing, realizing and understanding how important it is to have an income in this current system and so to not take work for granted, in seeing that without an income I compromise my living - so it's necessary to have this job and utilize it the best I can while I am doing it, until I move onto something else in the future.

I commit myself to not accepting and allowing myself to be a slave to my own reactions, and to breathe and be the directive principle of my life instead of accepting and allowing myself to be thrown about by energies and moods.

I commit myself to seeing, realizing and understanding that I can at all times be self-directive, and that I can move myself to direct myself instead of automatically submitting myself to energetic experiences, and that I am not as weak as I have believed myself to be.

Day 62: Writing & Self-Forgiveness - The Need for Relationships & Fear of Conflict: Engaging in Small Talk to Keep People Happy, Pt. 2

Writing

I visited my Nan in Queanbeyan the other day, which I do every now and again, and I find it interesting how she assumes that because I live alone and I don't really hang out with many people outside of work, that I must be lonely and in need of people to talk to all of the time. She always says have you met many people, are the people at work nice, and have you got a TV yet, as she has said a couple of times that it is a bit of company which is good to have. But I don't feel that loneliness. I am on my own when not at work and I don't get lonely. When you are with your breath and with the physical, loneliness kind of just evaporates. I've seen that the relationship point, like needing a partner and needing friends, isn't as important as it's made out to be. The problem isn't lack of relationships, it is feeling that loneliness and emptiness to begin with. Why is it there? Why wouldn't we ask ourselves why we feel like this in the first place, and is it possible to be fulfilled in who you are without the need for other people and things in the world to fill us up? Why has it been accepted generally by people that there is nothing there inside of us, and that we have nothing without all of these external bits and pieces that make up our lives? Isn't this why there is a lot of misery in people in general, and isn't this one of the reasons consumerism is so rife in the world? It's not normal to go along in life feeling this emptiness and lack inside that requires latching onto other people. What happens when the people leave, or the husband or wife dies, or the family doesn't visit much anymore, like what happens with older people? Do we have to go into this emotion of loneliness and sadness because of the lack of these things? It's not necessary. This is why many people become so lonely and sad as they get old - all of their life was dependent on other people and the relationships and love they got from them, but there was no work done on establishing self-love and self-care as life. When that is being established, like what we are doing in Desteni, then what is realized is that what we were searching for in other people and relationships, we have to give to ourselves, and this is done within breathing, forgiving ourselves, and honoring life as who we are = living a life of integrity. Then the point of loneliness is solved. This is what psychologists should be sharing. I'd love to be able to explain this to my Nan one day but I don't know how to do it in a way she would understand. I don't know how she would respond to self-forgiveness because I know she is a conservative lady set in her ways - she might react or think I have been brainwashed - I don't know.

The point for me at the moment is less wanting relationships and interacting with people and more the annoyance with having to do so, within the belief that I don't know how to be myself and speak as myself with people - and with that belief instead I have the urge to not be around people for a while to sort this out. It's also not wanting anything to do with the endless small talk that is generated in the workplace. But maybe the best way to face this point is facing myself in the situations themselves and correcting myself in these moments. And it's realizing that it is not realistic to just not have to talk, so I need to learn and practice to speak as myself instead of as characters of the mind. I've started to realize the most fundamental reason that I speak from character is out of fear of being myself and speaking as myself, and within this fearing other people's possible reactions. And I've also realized that I can't go on interacting with people out of this fear because it feels like shit to compromise myself! It really does. That's no way to live.

I'll continue now with self-forgiveness.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not know how to talk to people constantly and continuously at work as myself in the physical, without reverting to characters and ideas of myself as how I have programmed myself to speak and be with people - which is not supportive of me or anyone else in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to revert to character often out of desire, for example if there is a pretty woman around I revert to character that is desire based. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow and be led by this desire, and from there activate a particular specific character, which ends up being not even me speaking but desire speaking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in meaningless conversations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel compelled to engage in meaningless conversations within the belief that I need to be entertained and have fun at work and this is one of the only ways to do this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can't be self-directive within conversations, to for example just walk away and end the conversation when I see that it is just talking for talk's sake.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I simply do not know how to be myself with other people, hence the urge to be on my own where I don't have to talk to anyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to talk about specific things out of desire, and then to talk out of this desire, like when I talk with one work colleague about girls and women.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get wrapped up and caught within small talk and superficial work relationships and having this become more what I am focused on than the actual job and my requirement to be self-honest and to be myself and to have my integrity during the day within breathing and being with and as that which is the only reason I exist in the first place, forgetting that when I eventually leave the job, chances are that I will not keep in contact with most of the people from work, yet I will still be with myself, and I'll need good references to help me get into something else. So I have to see what is most important here, and that is being true to myself and being self-honest, and doing a good job, as this is what will matter the most in the long run, and is what is most important right in this moment in fact - not temporary, shallow relationships based upon small talk, that I will eventually leave behind, the same as I did with most of my relationships at school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that being true to myself and being self-honest and not compromising myself is more crucial and important than forming superficial relationships and talking for the sake of talking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear hurting people's feelings by not going along with small talk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself to value personality based relationships over valuing life and being self-honest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value getting along with people and making sure that they are happy with me OVER being myself in self-honesty no matter what. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how important it is to live in integrity and honor the physical, and that this is not worth compromising over anything, because in compromising myself I am basically selling out my very being, which is stupid and not fun.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel very angry and frustrated in feeling that I don't know how to be with so many people every single day and remaining myself, without feeling like I have to put up defenses out of fear, which are the characters, and in which the need to engage in small talk and keep people happy comes from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear negative reactions from other people.


To be continued.

Day 61: Writing - Fear of Conflict: Engaging in Small Talk to Keep People Happy, Pt. 1

Writing

I didn't post a blog last night as I ran out of internet credit and I couldn't find my wallet to get more! But I found it eventually so I am back to post a blog tonight.

Today was an irritating day at work. I go there and I have the belief that I must get along with everyone all of the time, like my work colleagues, the security guys, and anyone else working in the vicinity. So this often means I feel obliged to be a character and talk for the sake of talking so I will get along with people and no conflict arises. Yet the conflict already is existent, within me first and foremost, because I don't like being there for eight hours, having to talk all of the time from this starting point of feeling obliged to make conversation - because I know it is not really me talking, and it is something I am simply not very interested in. Nothing of what we say matters, most of the time - it's all forgotten the next day - but for some reason people feel the need to talk endlessly (boredom is probably the reason), and I often feel like I don't know how to be myself within these conversations. I'd rather be quiet, speak when it is necessary, and focus on the job and focus on breathing and being aware while I am there, and simply do what needs to be done, without engaging in pointless conversations. I don't want to spend eight hours a day lying to myself and blathering on from my mind, supporting various characters and ideas of myself. It would be so much more simple to just be silent, get on with the job, and speak when necessary in a self-directive way, like if I am greeting the customer, or asking a customer what he or she is looking for in the shop, or in communicating with other work colleagues what needs to be done. But it is tough, when I am there with just one other person for the whole day and there is not much to do - stupid pointless conversation starts up to fill in the space. For me it is draining because I know that I am not speaking from myself, I am speaking to keep things cordial and so no conflict arises, and so they are happy with me, but I get so sick of it.
So I am sitting here looking at what I can do. I ended up looking at job alternatives where you don't have to talk much and put on an act all day for people as part of the job, and I found that something like looking after people's animals would be a fun thing to do! But I have to face this point. The reality is that I am going to be around people all of my life - as much as I would like to simply focus on applying myself and educating myself about the world, and being fine with not talking that much, that is probably not very realistic. So I have to learn how to be myself with people as well as when alone, being myself meaning talking from here in the physical instead of automatically from the mind as character/personality. Because from speaking and interacting constantly and continuously as character/personality, this is what I am accepting and allowing myself to be, and I am accepting and allowing this to be who I am, further cementing it with every word that is spoken from this starting point. It is difficult to find the time to really slow down and work on establishing who I am as life, before having to go out there again and facing the same situations, the same conversations, the same people and social situations, again and again. If I have to do things like this because of necessity - the needing to work and be in situations like this just to be able to make a living, the questions I am asking myself now are: How do I be myself with people when talking, instead of reverting to character? How do I avoid participating in conversations and small talk that I don't see is beneficial to participate within? How do I state that I don't want to participate in small talk without creating conflict, reactions and backchat within the other person, thus causing problems in the workplace?

I want to thank Gian too for his recent blogs as he's touched on some points I am looking at, like the soft and kind character that is afraid of causing conflict:

http://gianjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/03/day-295-charming-character-on-job-p1.html
http://gianjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/03/day-296-to-soft-to-kind-for-job-p2.html
http://gianjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/03/day-298-to-soft-to-kind-for-job.html


I will continue with self-forgiveness tomorrow.

Day 60: Writing & Self-Forgiveness - Living for Life, Not for Acceptance

Writing

Outside of work, I don't have a lot to do with other people. If I am not at work I am usually on my own.
But I still have a point of needing to be accepted by other people, and needing them to like me, within believing that there is something wrong with me if I am not liked, or that I have done something very wrong, and within believing that I am losing something if that acceptance is not there. One example was from yesterday with a guy I have known for half my life, posting on my Facebook page: "Get off Facebook and change the world already." I felt kind of embarrassed and attacked because it was a rejection of me and not an acceptance. I got a jolt of fear because he was a friend now he's saying something like this. Instead of investigating what I was sharing it was just this nasty sarcastic comment and then off he goes, back into his life, continuing the same as everyone else seems to do: everything is fine, let me just live my life, my life is working out so that's all that matters.
I don't use Facebook and the internet in general in believing that it's actually changing the world - I use it to educate myself and share things that I have found important in understanding more about the world, where we are at, where we are going, and what we can do to solve the problems we're facing. Anything to get people more aware of what is going on and to look at the reality of the situation, instead of continuing within this fantasy land that are people's lives with money now, that everything is fine because I am happy and comfortable - how long is that going to last? How is that based in reality? We can't live lying to ourselves, living in a dreamworld, not caring about the reality and all of the multitude of beings that make our lives possible in the first place - that's not an honorable way to live, that's not a caring way to be, that is just parasitical. Who should even exist if that is all we do, live in a dreamworld? It is not looking at the whole picture and staring reality right in the face, so what else is it but a dream world that is being lived here? Anything can seem fine with money - with money you can buy comforting illusions and a bubble existence that protects you from actual reality, but it is a delusion because it isn't taking into account what is really here and the real situation the world is facing as a whole. Facebook is a useful tool to share points that might open people's eyes to what is really going on, to get them to ask themselves the questions: "Why didn't I take notice? Why didn't I care?" and so from there maybe realizing that we need to dedicate ourselves to something more important and valuable than our selfish little lives that do not take into consideration reality and the physical existence that is slowly being destroyed: the physical existence which our whole life is dependent upon, that has always supported all of life, but we have never supported at all. A few posts like that are needed amongst the massive amounts of junk that is posted on Facebook.

Reading what my friend said now I am wondering if I really am missing out on much by not having many relationships with people, relationships such as friendships and a partner and family around me all of the time. People say it is not good to live alone, and that people must be miserable if they have no friends, but they don't take into account the process of life, self-forgiveness, breathing, and that of finding out who and what we are as life in the physical. It's unknown to most people. Breathing should be enough to be fulfilled - I don't have to be a parasitical human looking to latch onto other people and get their attention to feel 'validated' or to have a relationship and friends to feel valued and loved. The clear simple answer seems to be self-acceptance. I would only ever need acceptance from other people because I haven't yet accepted and embraced myself as life. So the solution is to accept and embrace myself as life, and to let go of the multiple points of desire and need for acceptance from other people.

Looking at the normal kind of relationship and friendship people have with one another I am glad I don't have it really. It is too often based on personality, and seeing that I realize I can't go down that path because I am not interested in continuing on as a self-limited being - yet what happens in relationships is people having relationships with each others primary personality traits and so they support each others limitation and self-definition of illusions - there is no walking together and supporting each other to expand and find out what we can be as life. So it's been interesting looking at my conditioned ideas and what I have been told by people throughout the years - all of this stuff about needing lots of friends and family around all of the time otherwise you get lonely and depressed, 'it's not good to live alone' (this is what a work colleague said to me the other day), and the belief that I need to be accepted by other people - and seeing that it all needs to be questioned and maybe none of it is true at all. Can't breathing and being with the body, and being with the physical environment around us, and the animals and all things like that, be enough? I mean if the physical provides us with everything else we need to live and has done for our whole life then it can be enough for being fulfilled within ourselves without the need to latch onto other people and depend on them, and to get their attention and acceptance. I've never felt more fulfillment from a relationship or friendship than I have from just breathing, being here in my breath and with the physical. Everything is already provided. So there is the answer to being fulfilled in and as self - in the physical.

So I am going to continue with this and work on letting go of my need for acceptance from other people, and for other people to like me, and on my reactions towards rejection, like from my friend as I mentioned before.


Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be accepted by other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the reason I have wanted to be accepted by other people is because of my not accepting and embracing myself as life, and that the answer has always been right here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to be accepted by other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need other people to like me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear when I am rejected by other people, one example being with my friend that I mentioned above.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am losing something important by having people reject me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is something wrong with me as a person when I am rejected by other people, and that I must make up for it and get acceptance to see myself as an OK person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my worth is based on how other people are when with me - that I am worth more when accepted, and worth less when rejected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the chance to accept myself and embrace myself as life, instead of treading down the same path of looking for acceptance and validation from other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in my mind, fixate on wanting other people to accept me within the belief that all will be OK and all is fine if I am accepted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can only be alive and 'happy' if I AM accepted by other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get an energy fix or ego boost, and to want it, from getting acceptance from other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that to seek for acceptance and attention from other people is simply wanting their energy to feed and validate my ego - so it is parasitical in nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question the need for acceptance and validation from other people, but have instead looked at it as a normal drive/desire that humans have, not seeing that in reality it is very self-limiting and it is latching onto other people, being like a little child begging for attention - where is the self-honesty and self-awareness within existing like this?


To be continued.

Day 59: Writing & Self-Forgiveness - Commitment to Daily Writing

Writing

I see that other Destonians and people at the Farm are working as much, if not more, than I am, in the system, AND they are still writing blogs each day, so now I can't say that I can't do the same. It is just the point of prioritizing my time, and to slow myself down when I get angry and fed up with work, instead of brooding in the frustration and basically saying "Fuck it" to everything. There are times that I have been so frustrated with work that I would get home, load up a computer game or something like that, and just play for hours, wanting to forget about everything else for a while. I could have used the time better to sit down, slow myself down, and write out the points within me that are causing the frustration. But I've since stopped the games, I am watching myself with other distractions, and now I am dedicating myself to spending my time first and foremost with what matters most, and this includes daily writing, which, whenever I have a spare moment during the day, I will dedicate myself to each day posting a blog. Other people can do it so I can as well.

I read a blog not long ago from Lindsay where she reminds herself to slow herself down before writing for the day, to just breathe. I am going to utilize this because I do not want to do this writing within energy, all the while believing that I am really doing anything useful. If I am doing it within energy or reactions and anger, like just after work, and I don't slow myself down first, then in my writing I would only further the self-deception.

I have been writing a lot about work in this blog lately, pretty much since I started the job. I have been stabilizing in work more and more and have been finding it easier to get the tasks done. It's not the way I like spending my time but you are pretty screwed without an income so I've got to do it.

Tonight I am going to write about being around bosses, since I read some of Gian's blog about his boss and saw that I have the same kind of points.
In the workplace there is a hierarchical system, where it's no longer a bunch of human beings working together but it is customers, shop assistants, the store manager and the regional manager. Everyone starts playing their roles. People become "Customers" who can be impatient whiners, and can complain at the shop assistants for little mistakes or if there is something wrong with an item going through into the system that might take a couple more minutes out of their lives. When the "Regional Manager" comes in we all have to play our shop assistant role to perfection to make sure he is pleased and so our position in the job - the livelihood of people working here - is not put into question - yet he rarely talks to us because we are merely "shop assistants". So I have to look at this point because clearly it isn't real, I mean the Regional Manager is in reality a human being just like the Shop Assistant. The idea of one human being being higher in importance just because he is in a higher paying position and can in fact decide our fates in terms of this job, does not in reality make him any more important or 'higher' as a human being - that's impossible. But still, I get an anxiety when he is there, knowing that he is in the back office and can watch my every move on the cameras out there. I get worried that he might complain about me for whatever reason. I experience a tightness and anxiety, fearing the worst, and just wanting him to leave the store so there is no more of this pressure.
Even with the regular store manager I have a bit of anxiety when he is around. Generally he is easier to get along with than the Regional Manager, but he is very restless at the job - everything has to be done now now now, everything's a rush, and he seems to always be out of breath and stressed out, trying to keep on top of everything that has to be done. So when I am around him it's the case of feeling like anything that I do or say will impede on what he has to get done or what he is busy doing, and I fear that he'll snap at me, or get frustrated if I stuff up on something. And I put myself in an inferior position mostly because he is "the boss", and I see this now and realize how ridiculous it is to have this fear that comes out of seeing him as someone in a 'higher' position than me, and so I have to be the 'slave' and do everything from the starting point of being a servant to make sure he is happy with me.
I see that a lot of the fear I have in regards to bosses is within the point of survival - I have the fear that they will not be happy with me which in turn would put my position in the company in question, which means my way of generating money just to be able to live is threatened. This is the main point here.
So what I am going to work on here in this blog is the idea of one human being being higher or worth more than another in the workplace, and the reactions and experiences I have in regards to interacting with these people. They are not 'higher' or 'more' - we're all human beings when it comes down to it - I can't make any boss realize this but I can at least realize it for myself, then live it as who I am, in myself, and no longer accept and allow myself to place myself, within myself, in an inferior position to other people. It shouldn't matter if my boss was Bill Gates or the Queen - the same principle here must apply - we're all human beings and we all have the same requirements, and in this we are equal, and this happens to matter more than anything else. One being 'higher' or 'more' than another is just a massive delusion, not real, totally made up, like most of what this system is comprised of - made up illusory bullshit.


Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be inferior to people who are placed higher above me in positions at my job and within the company I work in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become anxious around the bosses at my job in the fear that they will point out something they don't like about me and my performance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself, within myself, in an inferior position to certain people at my job, because he is 'the boss' and I am the 'shop assistant'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the job and the position I have at my job - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a 'shop assistant'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within the fear, make sure I say the right things to my boss to make it sure that he likes me, within feeling that this is a way that I can keep him happy with me and so to keep me employed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear bosses and to fear the power that they have to fire me if that is what they have chosen to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made this fear, anxiety, and belief of inferiority, to be who I am in regards to bosses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my bosses being angry with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear and anxiety when my boss - the Store Manager - is anxious, restless, and is rushing about wanting to get things done, and he tells me within this restlessness to do something or help him with something, in an exasperated tone of voice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take things personally, and within this to tense up in anxiety within me, when someone, like a boss or an irate customer, becomes restless or frustrated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my boss, or the Regional Manager, as higher beings that I must please and make happy with me. Yes, I need to do my job and do what needs to be done, but I am not accepting and allowing myself to do it from the starting point of this fear.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how pointless the fear and anxiety actually is.


Self-Commitment Statements

I commit myself to do the job and do the tasks that require to be done, within the starting point of practicality = this is what needs to be done for the store, and this is what I need to do to ensure my job and ensure myself of an income - so I will just do it - no fear required.

I commit myself to breathing and letting go of the fear and anxiety when it comes up, in seeing, realizing and understanding how pointless the fear and anxiety actually is.

I commit myself to not take the bosses anger, frustrations and irritations personally. If it is about me, then I commit myself to actually sitting down with the boss and talking about the issue, to get clear on what the problems are so we can come to a consensus.

I commit myself to being who I am in breath with the boss and simply being a genuine human being with him, standing as an equal, in seeing, realizing and understanding the simple fact that no one is really more or less than another - we're all human beings and we all have the same life in us, and this is the fundamental point that all of us and that everything has in common. I commit myself to stand in and as this principle of equality/life because it is reality.

Day 57: Writing & Self-Forgiveness - Work, Time & Money, Pt. 5: The "Trapped in Work" Personality

Writing

I have a general experience of myself as being trapped in regards to work, going to work, and being at work. It's like I am in a prison for eight hours and I have to serve the shop and then I am allowed out to be free for a little while by going home, then it starts over again the same the next day.
Today I called up the boss and asked for the day off for tomorrow, to be able to get some things done that I just don't have the time for during the week since work takes up the majority of my days. It was also to have a break and to get back to my senses that I am not just existing and living to work and be in this shop - there's more to my life and what I am here to do than to spend 40 hours a week in a bloody shop. It's easy to forget that, spending so much time there - it ends up becoming a large part of your life. I can see how doing this kind of work can really eat into a person's life and become so much of oneself that it's hard to separate the person's life from being a servant to the system, working in a shop, with an actual human being who, if given the chance, would probably want to do other things with their time and explore what they enjoy and what it is to actually live. But this work for the system becomes such a large part of people's lives, done not because they really enjoy it but because there is just no other way to survive in this world. We have to be money making machines for corporations just to be able to live, and as stupid as it is that this is the case, there is no immediate solution. We all need to wake up to different ways of living as a being, such as from surviving to actually living and expressing ourselves, plus seeing that we could have a radically different system and our work and effort can be put into constructive, meaningful things that are beneficial for all life and each other as human beings, instead of being wasted on fueling only money as it is now. We only support money and we do the same things over and over again, such as in our shop, and no one really enjoys it, it's done out of necessity, and it is the most boring way to spend so many hours. People at work stand around saying how bored they are. People leave the company often because of boredom. The many security guards who I walk past and talk to every day often have a dull, glazed look about them which is that of complete boredom. What a way to spend our lives, and to have to do these things just to be able to live. Yet it is just accepted as if nothing else is possible. People will do these things into their 60's, standing there at their job, bored to death, and still never question the madness of it. I suppose when you are wrapped up in it all, it seems like an inevitable, unchangeable thing that is like a law of nature or like the wind, that we just have to put up with, endure the dullness of it and make the most of. We don't allow ourselves the time and the opportunity to see that there are other ways of being and living that are available; we keep within the same mindset and approach to life and things like work and keep repeating this over and over, so of course no one is seeing other ways we can do things. We keep within a stuck frame of mind and never attempt a different approach both within ourselves and within the system. So it's all just accepted as it is like nothing can be done about it. Then alternatives are either ridiculed or not taken seriously because it does not fit into the fixed state of mind that we have set up for ourselves as having the idea that the way things are now is just the way it is and it will never change, as if this fixed idea is reality. So in this way we all kind of imprison ourselves, by never questioning, never taking a different approach, and by accepting the same old system and way of being within ourselves for generation after generation, even though it has been done to death and it is a beyond boring way of living.

The 'trapped in work' personality I have is to do with the feeling that I am in this job, and I will have to do other menial jobs like it, for who knows how long, until I am able to get enough money to be able to be free from it and not have to do it anymore. It seems like an endless thing, like when will that be? 40 years away? 50 years? It is feeling tied to this work and like I'll never be able to get it out of my life. Like it is some nagging obligation that is hanging over me and that I have to attend to otherwise I will eventually run out of money and won't be able to live anymore. I've got stuff to do so I can't die. It's also the trapped feeling of knowing that this system is not going to change by itself and it's not just going to go away as quickly as I want it to, and within this I have accepted and allowed myself to react within myself with a bit of a depression and frustration. It is also talking with people all of the time, and seeing that I go into personality when talking with people, which makes me want to get away for a while, have some time to myself and get clear on who I am to be able to be with people as who and what I actually am - clear, stable and alive - instead of locking myself into a personality and talking from this, trapping myself and supporting my own self-enslavement with my words. It makes me want to get away from work for a while and re-establish who I am and what I want to do in this life, and be at home and write and apply self-forgiveness all day if need be, and play guitar and go for long drives or whatever else, for a few weeks. I start to miss being at the Desteni Farm and miss the people there. So there are some points to work through here which I will start with now with self-forgiveness. What I can do now is support myself to really being myself and expressing myself as who and what I actually am as a life, in every moment, even while at work, and to not accept or allow anything less than this. I have to assist and support myself to be as free as is possible at the moment, then to start supporting others and planting seeds to help people to wake up.


Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel depressed as a result of feeling that I am trapped in work and I can't get out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame work for the way I experience myself instead of taking self-responsibility for what I experience and within this stop and change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am always with myself and always breathing, whether I am at work or at home, so I am always able to apply myself and actually stop myself from existing within and as the mind as thoughts, reactions, personality, emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am only trapping myself by accepting and allowing myself to continue existing within personalities such as the 'trapped at work' personality, and that no matter how bitter I can get about work, all I am really doing is trapping myself and not changing anything at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I don't have the time to really apply myself since I am working a lot and have to sort out everything that needs to be done in my life alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look ahead to work coming up as a burden that I just have to grit my teeth and get through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience dread and a bit of a depression knowing that I am going to work tomorrow and one of the big bosses of the company is going to be there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that everything will go wrong and that the boss will get angry with me for whatever mistake I make or for the things I am not doing that I am supposed to be doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the situation from the bosses point of view as best I can: they are stuck in the money system as well and require people to do their job well so their company can perform, so they can survive. So in a way I can assist them by doing a good job, instead of reacting and wanting to get out of the shop and go home as soon as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a lethargic experience within me by thinking of work as being a chore that I just have to put up with until it is over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an entire experience of myself around work when I get up in the morning and drive to work - that of a depressed experience, like I am heading into a situation which I'd rather not have anything to do with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I have created these experiences for myself and have attached it to work, blaming work, in which I make myself forget that I am creating these experiences and it is my responsibility to stop them - in the end it is me enslaving myself and nothing is happening but me defeating myself and that is it. It's not changing this system and I am not allowing myself to be as free as possible by accepting and allowing these experiences, such as the 'trapped, depressed' experience in regards to work.


So I can see and realize and understand that while we are PHYSICALLY trapped and enslaved within money and the money system at the moment, just by the simple fact that if we DON'T serve the system we are left to eventually run out of money which means you are not even allowed decent living conditions or food anymore - there is no point in creating MIND TRAPS that are entirely of my own creation, and are not at all necessary or acceptable, as I am enslaving myself, which is really dumb when I look at it now. So no more of this enslaving myself in feeling trapped WITHIN myself by creating MIND TRAPS that are all of my own making.


To be continued.

Day 56: Writing - Work, Time & Money, Pt. 4 - Money Enslavement

Writing

If money were not an issue, I would get a decent house and I would start studying as soon as possible. I would get more involved with this organization that my Mum's friend is involved in running, called The Mulloon Institute (http://www.themullooninstitute.org/), which is a farm not all that far from Canberra that is focused on things like bio-dynamics and different ways of producing food than is done today. I would go out there on the farm and learn all about what they're doing and see what would fit common-sensically within an Equal Money System/Equal Money Capitalism, and also enjoy once again being with lots of animals and being in the quiet country-side. I would spend some time driving down to the coast and I would go to the beach. I would spend more time walking around and being outside rather than in the shop.


I am sure a lot of people would rather be out living and exploring the world and using their time on more interesting things than being stuck in a shop for 40 hours a week working to make a few rich capitalists even more richer. It's fascinating how we all work in the system to make money to be able to live a life and do what we want and enjoy ourselves in our free time, when this can be EXACTLY what it could be like within the Equal Money System/Equal Money Capitalism.
What is proposed realistically and feasibly within Equal Money is exactly the kind of life that people are after, which is the reason they work 40 hours a week - at least - until old age, and that is to be alive, have everything you need, have a healthy, happy family, good social life, no money problems, no debt, and the free time to enjoy your life and dedicate it to what really matters to yourself and existence as a whole. Of course we will still work as nothing would get done if no one worked. But our work would and can go towards that which actually benefits and supports life, with more than enough people to fill the needs of everyone on Earth, the animals and the natural world, as current jobs that only exist to generate profits - as being destructive to life and/or not being essential for the flourishing of life on Earth - would be eliminated.
Work can become a meaningful, fulfilling thing in people's lives instead of being an obligation as it is for most now, since if you don't get what work you can in order to make a living just so you can live and eat, you're going to have a hard time staying alive.
No one likes having this threat hang over them like a shadow their whole lives, no one likes being treated like they are the property of their boss and the 'higher ups', and no one likes having to work until old age, with their days filled up with menial work and the demands of the system, with the threat that if you stop working, you will run out of money and you will lose everything. There is an older lady who works where I work, and I wonder how many more years will she have to do this until there are no more money concerns and she can spend her time enjoying her life? Or does it just continue for years and years until the person is too old to be of any use? She's been at the same company for 30 years. 40 hours a week, getting about a month's holiday per year. It's clear that currently our lives are owned, that somehow it has been deemed that our life and time is indebted to the system, and that people must work to sustain the system when the system has never really supported the majority of people on Earth, or animals, or nature. There is this basic threat to everyone's lives in this system but for the minority who have it working for them, whom it seems do not know what it is like living and surviving in this world for most people, otherwise they would have used their power and influence to do something about these ridiculous problems, needless problems.

I read something amazing today: "The richest 300 people in Europe and North America have the same income as 4.7 billion poor people." After that I read: "The 100 richest people in the world earned enough last year to end extreme poverty suffered by the poorest on the planet four times over". That ought to be enough to see, realize and understand clearly how ridiculous the current system is, and that it is high time that we educate ourselves, stand together, and make all of the necessary steps to change this system.

Many people might say that it's fine if you get into a profession that you love, but for billions of people that same desire can't be fulfilled under this same system. We live in a system that benefits a few and uses and abuses everyone and everything else. So even if things work out well for us personally, and within this we accept the system as it is, this does not justify accepting and allowing the system as it is, as this very acceptance and allowance of the system, while it may work for us personally, means the continued hellish existence for the majority of life on Earth.

So let's dedicate our lives to doing what's necessary to change this existence, by both changing ourselves - as individually we have become brainwashed beings who have given permission for this world to be as it is now - and changing the system as a whole. We have this attitude now of learned hopelessness, like "What can little old me do?" forgetting that there are billions of little old me's whose decisions have and currently are shaping the world to be as it is today, so surely we can make different decisions towards really supporting life and the Earth and take the necessary steps to change where we are heading now, which is going to be an even worse circumstance than we are in at the moment? There are more ways to do things than just one, in terms of how a world system can operate - there are different ways than just capitalism or communism. I don't think that the only system that can work is one where the Earth and people's lives are destroyed and maimed in such an extreme way that in the near future we are only going to face catastrophe and major consequences.

Research the websites, blogs, and documentaries listed below. I will later add some books. Herein you will find a good understanding of the problems we are facing and actual, absolute solutions! Take the time to study what is here.

Websites:

Desteni (www.desteni.org)
Equal Money (www.equalmoney.org)
EQAFE (www.eqafe.com)
Desteni I Process (http://desteniiprocess.com/)
Desteni I Process Lite (http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/)


A Sample of Blogs:
 
Creation's Journey to Life (http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/)
Heaven's Journey to Life (http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com/)
Earth's Journey to Life (http://earthsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/)
Economist's Journey to Life (http://economistjourneytolife.blogspot.com/)
Humanity's Journey to Life (http://humanitysjourneytolife.blogspot.com/)
Activist's Journey to Life (http://activistsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/)
A Psychologist's Journey to Life (http://journey-of-lindsay.blogspot.com/)
MatterFreeMan (http://www.matterfreeman.com/)


Documentaries:

Human Resources: Social Engineering in the 20th Century
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tCNLXj-R5Jc)

The Power Principle [2012]
(Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2q0Wdk7ek7Q)
(Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b1J9ybfRWSk)
(Part 3: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yHX9L9fWtGs)

Psywars
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NXg70qJQ6O0)

The Century of the Self [2002]
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OmUzwRCyTSo)

The Trap [2007]
(Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gZt2HhFXB3M)
(Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbRApO3k_Jo)
(Part 3: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbRApO3k_Jo)

Why Poverty?: Park Avenue - Money, Power & The American Dream
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6niWzomA_So)

The One Percent
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HmlX3fLQrEc)

Workingman's Death
(You will find the videos that make up the documentary on YouTube)

A Crude Awakening: The Oil Crash [2006]
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cnxVQWMLDpc)

The Age of Stupid
(http://www.amazon.com/Age-Stupid-Pete-Postlethwaite/dp/B003JYOFB4/ref=sr_1_1?s=movies-tv&ie=UTF8&qid=1358758307&sr=1-1&keywords=The+Age+of+Stupid)

There's No Tomorrow
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VOMWzjrRiBg)

Capitalism: A Love Story [2009]
(http://www.amazon.com/Capitalism-Love-Story-Moore-Michael/dp/B0030Y11XS/ref=sr_1_1?s=movies-tv&ie=UTF8&qid=1358758201&sr=1-1&keywords=capitalism+a+love+story)

The College Conspiracy
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A75KERKwEQM)

Earthlings
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ce4DJh-L7Ys)

The Cove
(http://www.amazon.com/Cove-Richard-OBarry/dp/B002PLMJ74/ref=sr_1_2?s=movies-tv&ie=UTF8&qid=1358758686&sr=1-2&keywords=The+Cove)

Starsuckers [2009]
(http://www.amazon.com/Starsuckers-Star-Suckers-Chris-Atkins/dp/B008VVTJHA/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1358758111&sr=8-2&keywords=Starsuckers)


A Few People to Study:

Noam Chomsky
Chris Hedges
Michael Albert
Barbara Ehrenreich
George Carlin
Lao Tzu