Day 20: Self-Forgiveness - Interaction with People & Learning to be Myself - Intimacy with Women

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled and dominated by desire for women, as in the desire to get along with women and be close to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thoughts and pictures come up in my head of me meeting women that I might fancy, and getting along with them based on the character of desire. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that within being a character with women, I as a being is not even present - all I am doing is selling out to the energy of desire and that is it. So it would be no different for the woman than talking to a machine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the desire for intimacy with a woman as being 'wrong'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is never about 'right' or 'wrong' - it is: am I being self-honest and true to who I am, or am I selling myself out to my programmed desires?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be intimidated by this point of desiring women.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how amazing it would and could be to interact with people, such as women, as EQUALS, as who we are as actual beings. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be tempted to interact with women from the starting point of a character motivated by desire, and for not seeing how monstrous and robotic this REALLY IS. It is basically a system talking with hidden motives based on the desire for sex, and that is not acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have questioned the desire for sex, as I have always seen it as an impossible desire to overcome, and as something that is too huge and too tempting to ever stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a sense of loss and sadness, within believing that by facing this point I am missing out on something important by giving it up - not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am missing out on MYSELF as life by giving into desires such as this desire to create intimate relationships with women, wherein I see that I am consumed by a character based within desire and so I am not accepting and allowing myself to be MYSELF. I have seen in various ways how when I compromise myself to the mind, I am only miserable, because within this I am not being true to myself and living as integrity - and that this is no way to live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the desire for sex was programmed into me, starting most significantly when I saw a movie when I was about 7 or 8 years old, where a woman took off all of her clothes and walked towards this man sitting in a bed, with his mouth open and eyes wide, watching her with desire. I was not BORN desiring sex and being controlled and dominated by this desire - yet I was fine and happy without even KNOWING about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my desire for intimacy with women is indicating the fact that I have not yet developed self-intimacy, and intimacy with and as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the greatest gift of all - life - is right here in every moment - yet it is what I have taken most for granted, as I have accepted and allowed myself to be brainwashed by myself and society/parents/peers/etc., to value energetic experiences and the pursuits of self-interest as being the stuff of life, the stuff to live for, the stuff of 'enjoyment' - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be severely brainwashed to the point that I have not seen or realized or understood that LIFE is the real value of the Earth, and is the real value of my life, and that it is always here.


OK, I will start with specifics tomorrow, in regards to pictures and ideas I have about meeting women when I go back to Australia, and more on the fear of loss of missing out on what I have deemed to be an 'amazing experience' that is too special to give up. Lots to come.

Thanks.